takken to meyselfe

specks of freckles

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 18:37:27 GMT

we rolled across the bedroom floor that night
only hushed sounds and whispers could be heard
we spoke softly of life and spoke freely of change
my toes pointed towards heaven
and your back restless against the earth

my head rested against your chest
the sound of your heart matching mine
the moisture in my eyes swelled
until it seeped through your shirt
you felt it

that was the night you told me you loved me
it was something i already knew
but the gentle words floated into the air
and gradually ascended into my ears
i felt it

we embraced as my head hovered yours
my droplets of joy fell to your face
your thumb reached upward to catch them
our lips met as if to seal that sweet secret
we felt it

look ma!

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 03:05:01 GMT

my very first published story.

i love you and i think i'm going to start writing here again

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 07:13:18 GMT

brain

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 22:01:00 GMT

I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU

and I want to tell you so bad

but I am so afraid.

Are you a cynic?

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 19:08:45 GMT

I let you in, and now it's out
I'll never have it again
and I'll never have you
I gave it to you,
and you'll give me nothing
I need to close up
and not let you in
because I don't want that feeling
and I don't want to be wrong.
NO. I don't want to be right
I'm falling so hard
and I'm falling so fast
I'm breaking and bruising
on the way down
and you'll never know this
because I want to believe you don't give a shit
but maybe you do
for all I know
All I know
is that
I know nothing

it pops and everyone goes "Awwwwwwww!"

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 00:39:17 GMT

i'm still in utah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hey

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 22:51:27 GMT

i am lonely

i am boring

i am sinking

1234

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 19:34:02 GMT

welcome welcome my new blog : http://thenewsassy.blogspot.com , a place for my extremely superficial interests and thoughts.

maybe i'll keep you, livejournal, for my complaints... that seems to be what you were used for in the past.

au revoir!

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 09:34:14 GMT

i've never fucked up so bad in my life im not sleeping and my anxiety is getting worse and worse and worse get me the fuck out of here

Fri, 30 May 2008 08:28:14 GMT

i know you're going to read this and you're going to wonder why
i don't want to bore you
i don't want to disappoint you
i am sorry
i am sorry
i am sorry

"call me a safe bet, i'm betting i'm not.
glad that you could forgive,
only hoping as time goes,
you can forget..."

i love you

i think i need a new blog,
goodbye

In Som Nee Uh

Sun, 25 May 2008 13:16:18 GMT

I don't sleep at night. I have a problem. I need meds.
This morning I ran outside before sunrise and captured the Provo sky.
I'll give that to you Provo- you put on one hell of a morning show.

no yawns or tired eyes,
an insomniac girl

Dear Worlds and Underworlds:

Fri, 23 May 2008 07:09:53 GMT

Please, don't get close to me. Please oh please, just stay away.
I'm not one for a casual meet. I'm the type for everyday.

I am not a fence sitter. Neither are you.
Our friendship will escalate. And fall.

They are constant movers in both directions.
I push the move, and they fall over. Always.

Fear me if we are close.

You may want to back up.
I may push you over.
And we will never be the same.
And our words will become heated.
And our hearts will feed the fire.
And our faces will remain solemn,
With each rise and set of power, and the giant star in the emptiness of this space.

"I guess you did us both a favor."

With your heart in mind,
Me

My head is empty

Thu, 08 May 2008 05:29:45 GMT

I wish my head wasn't empty.

Sock it to me

Thu, 01 May 2008 04:50:53 GMT

I love real, cleansing, deep-bellied sighs that make life start back up again. Here I am, talking and moving and riding and walking and loving and I forget to live- I forget to breathe. So I stop- and inhale such an enormous breath of air and life all in one gulp, and push it back out of me, slowly, and I'm refreshed. Life returns to its simple speed and my eyes open up to the clarity of it all.

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 01:41:52 GMT

When a week goes whirling past your pale face without giving you a chance to taste the air, you know you aren't living life the way it was intended to be lived. When you rely on a hot cup o' joe to survive each day, you know you aren't giving your head the right attention to allow it to run wild with dreams and fantasies and whimsical thoughts. And when you think more about numbers and data and sales, than about brushing your teeth, you know you're becoming a Wall Street executive(ish) type-cast, wannabe.
I'm itching to get outa this place- as soon as possible, if possible. With two desk jobs, and no friends, life is standing still and the pictures I'm capturing of it are boring and lifeless. I want my pictures for move and groove with the beats and the rythmn of strange ideas and even stranger than pulp fiction people. After a day of thoroughly researching websites that would getmethehelloutahere for a good price, I've come to the conclusion that I'm still stuck here like Bubbalicious Bubble Gum. I'm going to be here this summer, and I'm going to be here this Fall. I'm going to be here this Winter, and more seasons after that. It's this neverending vicious cycle of saving for school, going to school, and saving again- until my pockets are worn out and my body has been frozen, defrosted and cooked a good four times in a row. Currently, I'm cooking, BTW!
How about I try breathing, once in awhile. Or seeing. Or even, maybe baby, I could try living. Living in a forgeign land? Living off the fat of the land? Living out of couches, and out of backpacks, and track shoes? Maybe on five euros at a time, or in rivers, or in wikipedia.
I can't believe I've never gotten off of this continent- for person that is so itchy, it seems quite rediculous that I've only crossed the border north and south of this central, plain, plain, never by plane, bytheway.
Silly girls are filled with silly thoughts and silly notions, and I'm sorry for talking about it so much and never doing it. Sorry to my silly little head with all its silly desires. Sorry I can't follow through, Miss Silly.

EMERALD CITY!

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 00:43:39 GMT

Everything I want to say is superficial and meaningLESS. In a month from now, none of this will matter and the emotions will be played down by time and it's mysteries.

I just wrote an entire blog and deleted it. Because I'm already over it... who says it takes a whole month.

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 07:10:51 GMT

Although it began with 11 hours of people yelling and screaming and cussing- at me, it was tipped off by a stupid flyer that I saw on Myspace. A harmless flyer that had a characiture of a boy and a girl embracing with the words "Is this a spring fling, or the real thing- take the survey." I fumed. What the hell has life come to? And no, I do not know why an advertisement like that set me off, but what the hell has it come down to? Pop culture- stupid pop culture. Why are we all so entertained by people that are just as fucked up as we are, but have more money and have their faces plastered on billboards? Oh, and we get to see them naked. Why do I indulge in it? Why do we all care about these people so much? And why can't anything be real anymore or easy or innocent? I lost my innocence that I thought I had lost years ago. No no no, I never lost it. I was living with my parents who fed me, and drove me around and sheltered me and shit. And now, yes now, I have lost my innocence. I may loose more than that if I'm not careful. My dad said I was "growing up" because I decided not the buy the beamer, and save my money for tuition and trips and everything that I need. I don't feel like that was responsible, it was just smart. Like duh, I'd rather have money for school so I can get out of this hell hole and duh I'd rather go places this summer than sit in my car in provo. I don't want to grow up, because the more I do, the more I hate things. I liked when I liked things. And I should have returned Jordan's calls. But for some reason I didn't. It's not like it was too late- and I'm sure he still would have wanted to hang out- but I feel like he's moving on, and I'm not the ttype of person he needs in his life right now. He's going on his mish- he's got the world all figured out and tries to explain it to me but all I hear is his mouth moving, which makes not a single sound. He doesn't need to deal with my mind right now and I don't need to deal with his social status. I don't give a shit. I hope Sarah and Erik don't end up like this- I hope they're smart and I hope they stay away from pop culture and common trends and fake stories. I like to think that some people can stay happy. I know some people can stay happy. It's the people that can settle that I admire. They have no bars to reach about others- they just love and are loved back. I get 4 hours of sleep every night, wake up and drink black coffee. I need some melatonin.

Korean Dogwood

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 06:54:05 GMT

Could nature be any more amazing to me? No. That is a definite no. I am baffled daily by the small details that I have missed all of these years. This world moves fast, and I'm having a difficult time keeping up. I like to daydream too much and like to listen to people too little. I wish I could wander for an entire day. I wish I could leave my cell phone and music and shoes in a nice, neat box for a day. I'd just wander, I'd leave reality. It's terrible that reality has to move so fast. That's why I'd want to leave it. I'd want to move slow. I'd want to count the drops of dew on the daisy, and play crack the sky. I'd end up in a street, staring into the vastness of space and roll around in a field of green green grass. My mind would figure out how the mountains can stand so still when I know they are aching to see the world. My ears would drown out the sad stories of people and cars. My nose would be filled with the sweet aromas of fresh, crisp air , and wouldn't smell the pollution of the world. And my skin- it'd be drenched in the power of the large star that beams with it's ever glowing rays of warmth. Let me leave, just for one day. Let me stare into nothing, just for one day. Let me forget, just for one day. Let me follow through with all of my ideas, just for one day. Provo has some of the most interesting and truly magnificent ancient houses I have seen on this side of the border. I need to capture them, but I feel ill equipped. My point and shoot, and my old film camera do not do justice to the beauty that I see through my eye. The lens lies to the finished product, and I am sad. I need new equipment, yet I gots no funds in my pocket. Here I am, saving for school. Saving to become something, when I feel like the time is now. The time to become something should not be postponed- so why am I postponing my life? I am postponing meeting people, for I am relocating in two weeks. I am postponing trips, for I fear they will not be as "good and gooder and best" as they will in the future. Let there be a reason for why I don't care now. My future is mapped out, and now is limbo. I want to fuck up in limbo and I want to be crazy in limbo and I want to not care in limbo. Five years from now I'll have a baby or two in my arms and a nice mortgage under my belt.

Campbell's Soup

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 00:39:32 GMT

I want to know how people make it so big in this so small world. Is it all luck, or are they really sumpthin?
I realize that Andy Warhol "defined a generation" and "changed our outlook on art" but when it all comes down to it, why is his art so popular? I can't even count on my cold fingers and numb toes how many friends I have had that beat good ol' Andy right out of the ring with their art. So this makes me think that as far as all of the arts (acting, music and writing included) are concerned, it's not about your talent. It's about who you know. And frankly my dear, that just sucks. This even applies to stupid politics in that there are probably millions of people scattered around this country that are a hell of a lot more qualified for the job of president than any of these candidates. We musn't forget, however, that this beautiful, solemn world feeds and breeds off of money and who-you-knows. I'm so scared. I want to be a big time journalist. I want to write and travel and take pictures and contribute. But the cold, hard truth is that I don't know no one.

Holi

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:41:59 GMT

Hare Krishna
Hare Krishna
Krishna Krishna
Hare Hare
Hare Rama
Hare Rama
Rama Rama
Hare Hare

Religion... eh, it's a touchy subject with me right at this point in my life. Learning about other people's cultures and religions is something that I am very open to because recently I am feeling unsure about religion as a whole.
I am in Utah. UTAH. The breeding ground to mormons and the capitol to those who hate them. Being a mormon in Utah, however, hasn't exactly made me fly a flag proclaiming my undying belief for this religion. In fact, it's done quite the opposite. I am now questioning not only Mormonism, but religion itself. I feel as though the people are taking over this Church. I realize that a church must be run by people, and only supported by God. But what if the people are running the church into the ground? What if they are running it by their own opinions, focusing on petty things like "being on time for meetings", and worrying about how many of them have ancestors that crossed the plains? Who seriously cares! If I am going to get myself up, out of bed, on my only day off, to go to church, then I would love to be graced enought to acutally learn about God for once. I feel like it is a rare occasion when an entire day at church is devoted to learning about God and his love. This is where religion really starts to rock me.
I am in no way saying that I am good at learning about God on my own. I don't try. I know this. So going to church is something that I should probably keep up because otherwise, I would be putting zero effort in. It's just that I feel as though all religions are corrupt in some way. As much as I wish to believe that people are good and care and love, it's simply not the case. People are corrupt. People manipulate. And when did I become such a pessemist. And when did I decide that I don't feel like finishing this blog.
I've worn out this subject in my head, and I'm done.

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 01:21:05 GMT

I'm in a lull.
My habits have become my personality and therefore are me. Which makes absolute nonsense, thank you very much. Two problems, ahem, two of the biggest problems with me are included in my personality. Which makes absolute sense.
One: I am easily swayed.
and Two: I am defensive.

We shall address the latter first. I know I am defensive, and by stating this truth, I am being defensive. Crazy how that works. However, after discussing this obvious flaw of mine with Chrissy and Emma, two people that know the most about me, I feel there is some logic into why I am this way. During high school, I was forced into sitting and listening and absorbing the falshoods and pure bullshit that my father decided to feed me on a regular basis. (Not to say that I don't love love love my dad, or that he never told me great things- because he did. Thank you very much, again.) I could never get a word in edgewise, and was trul forced to sit there and listen. Thus ending in me, saying "Alright.", and walking away solemn. I believe this is one of the causes of my being so defensive with everyone else I know. I know that I am especially defensive with Chrissy (who is usually right) and with Emma (who is usually right), which is, how shall I say it- bad. I think that because I was unable to ever voice my own opinion or even disagree with my father, I feel the need to disagree simply because I want to disagree. That is ridiculous! And I must find a way to stop. I need to learn how to take critisizm without always saying "I Know. I know." or "No no no!" Goal: Be more open to other people and what they have to say about me. Because obviously I am what other people percieve? No. That's not right- but is it? I have no idea. That's a whole nuuuuuutttherrr topic.

To address to the first, latter, now? I sway like a fish tail. Two seperate people will voice two seperate opinions and I will seperately agree with them both. I can't help it. I can't help but see the two sides and understand the two sides. STOP: I am totally contridicting myself right now. My first "problem" is that I am supposedly unreceptive to other people? And now I am saying how I am easily swayed? It's true though. I contain both characteristics. Damn, I'm all sorts of screwy. Okay. I understand two sides, yes yes, that's where I left off. I'm like the B-sides of an album. Back to the topic: I am not as sure how to quick fix this one. I wish I could dig deep and search my empty soul for my true beliefs, but it's really hard to do. As soon as I think that's what I think, someone comes along with the opposite, and I think that is what I think think. I like agreeing with people. I like pleasing people. This blog is seriously getting me nowhere and here I am back at square one. I think I need someone to sit me down and ask me questions without saying their opinion. I think that would help me out a little.

Wow. This makes no sense, and that's all I wanted to accomplish was sense. This is how my mind works. Now you can see why I am such a flip flop.

On the Road

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 23:49:35 GMT

I'm devouring that book right now and it's really making an impact on my mind. I read it back probably sophomore year or something like that, but I don't think I acutally READ it.
While reading it this time around, I became absolutely obsessed with going to London with Jordan. Correction, WE became absolutely obsessed.

"...the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!"

I am a mad man.
However, after many phone conversations, ticket research, and money transfers, Jordan was unable to go.
I'm not going to lie and say I was okay right off the bat. I was obsessed, mind you. And when I get obsessed with things, it takes me awhile to really let them go. In high school, I would always find a pair of shoes that I liked before I found the dress and would insist on the shoes. It drove Sheri up the wall. Then again, I liked doing that to her.

So once again, my dream for London is shattered and I am beginning to wonder if I'll ever make it over there. At this rate, I'd get there faster if I just swam.

tag tag tag tag tag tag

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 04:35:22 GMT

Chrissy tagged me.
And now I have to say 7 random things about myself.
I don't even think I know seven random things about myself.
Because of the fact that I don't think I know much about myself.
Say 'myself' much?

(side note: i just ate a bunt piece of popcorn. i detest that taste.)

2. (I just ate another one. I'm disgusted.) It is absolutely impossible for me to flip an egg without breaking it. I have been doing it for almost an entire year now, and still have not perfected the fried egg flip skill. However, today I did cook rice perfectly. There's hope.
5. When I am really upset about something, I go into my room and say 'fuck' over and over again until I feel better. And yes, it always makes me feel better.
1. I can make both of my pinky toes stretched out while the rest of my toes stay perfectly in place.
6. If I could choose one place to eat a sandwich, it would be Subway.
3. My mom is a lesbian.
4. I am lactose-intolerant, yet not even my best friends ever remember it.
7. I have become the eye to my friends lives. One of my all time favorite past times is to document other people's lives. They are always so much more exciting than mine. Even if I was there, doing it with them.

I have no one to tag. Sorry Chris.

Sweet Beats

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 01:41:29 GMT

It is so interesting to me that people are so different from one another. Human instinct tells us to classify each person into a category. I am totally guilty of doing this. Today I have an interesting experience. I am working on a project and have chosen to use select songs by the Beatles to achieve this. There are over 300 songs by the Beatles srawled across 35 albums. I needed a way to narrow this down. So, I asked some of my good friends to tell me what their ALL TIME FAVORITE Beatles song is. And this is what I got:
Lilian- All You Need Is Love
Jordan McClellan- Blackbird
Chrissy- Here Comes the Sun
Erik- Happiness Is a Warm Gun
Emma- I've Just Seen a Face
Sarah- Eleanor Rigby
Hollie- Across the Universe
Hillary- Hey Jude
Dayton- The Ballad of John and Yoko

No one else responded- but I thought it was interesting that not a single person that responded to me told me the same song. It is obvious that the Beatles really created albums upon albums that relate to different people of different lifestyles and different thinking. Legends. A group that can create a plethera of albums that are loved by different people for decades and for decades to come. They are true legends. Good luck to all you rising bands. You have big shoes to fill.

Deja Vu

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 04:25:37 GMT

Why can't I figure myself out? Why can't I use mathematics to analyze my problems? Why am I so bad at math? Why do I want to push him away? For that matter, why am I pushing him away? Why does he scare me? For that matter, why does he terrify me? Why can't I commit to a single thing? Why do I get physically sick when I think too hard about it? Why does he care so much? Why does he love my family? Why does he still try? Why am I freaking out? Why am I avoiding his calls? Why does he love me so much? Why did he play video games with Sam? Why did he come see me? Why does he want it to be perfect? Why can't he just hate me? Why can't this be easy? Why can't someone understand me? Why did I move there? Why did I meet him? Why was he the first person I spotted out? Why did we have that class together? Why was he dating Jordan? Why did we click? Why didn't he tell me until last Christmas? Why won't this persistent cough just stop already? Why do I keep cutting my fingers?